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O Parents! You Cannot Build Without a Model – II

 

Dr. ‘Ali Hassoon spoke about the upbringing of Sultan Muhammad Al-Faatih saying,

Since his succession to the throne of the Ottoman Empire in 855 A.H. (1451 CE), he was looking forward to the conquest of Constantinople and thinking about it. He was raised by scholars who instilled love for Islam in him and taught him how to adhere to the Quran and the Sunnah (tradition). So, he grew up with a strong love for Sharee‘ah (Islamic legislation), adherence to piety, reverence for scholars and affection for spreading knowledge. His sublime religiousness was due to the religious upbringing that he received since his early childhood in accordance with the directions of his father and with the help of a number of senior scholars who supervised his education and upbringing.

Muhammad Al-Faatih was influenced by the righteous scholars since his early childhood, particularly the senior righteous scholar, Ahmad ibn Ismaa‘eel Al-Kooraani  may  Allaah  have  mercy  upon  him who was known for his virtue. This righteous man was the greatest teacher of Muhammad Al-Faatih during his father’s reign.

At that time, Muhammad Al-Faatih was the ruler of Magnesia, and his father sent him a number of educators and teachers. However, he disobeyed them and refused to let them teach him anything. He did not even memorize the whole Quran. So, his father asked for a man with gravity and seriousness and they told him about Al-Kooraani  may  Allaah  have  mercy  upon  him. Hence, he appointed him as the teacher of his son and gave him a stick to beat Muhammad if he disobeyed him. 

Al-Kooraani  may  Allaah  have  mercy  upon  him went to Muhammad with the stick in his hand, and said, “Your father sent me to teach you and beat you if you disobey me.” Muhammad Al-Faatih laughed much when he heard this, but Al-Koorani  may  Allaah  have  mercy  upon  him beat him severely until he showed due respect for him and started memorizing the Quran until he completed it within a short period.

This great leader was educated and brought up by scholars who provided him with a true Islamic upbringing. Those revered educators used to tear up the decrees of the Sultan if it contained anything that contradicted the rulings of Sharee‘ah (Islamic legislation). They used to address the rulers with their names. They never bowed before the rulers or kissed their hands; on the contrary, the rulers used to kiss their hands. Hence, it is not strange for such educators to graduate a great leader like Muhammad Al-Faatih, who was a religious Muslim who complied with the rulings of Sharee‘ah and glorified it. He was a righteous and pious ruler who consulted the scholars and asked them to supplicate for him. 

Dear educator, consider this extraordinary example Muhammad Al-Faatih, who conquered Constantinople, and how his father brought him up in accordance with this influential theory. 
He attached him to the righteous scholar, who taught him the Quran. Interestingly, Al-Kooraani  may  Allaah  have  mercy  upon  him was not the only influential scholar in the life of Muhammad Al-Faatih, but there was another scholar (Aaq Shams Ad-Deen  may  Allaah  have  mercy  upon  him) who drew the attention of Muhammad Al-Faatih to conquer Constantinople.

Sahl ibn ‘Abdullaah At-Tustari learns from his uncle: 

Al-Ghazaali reported that Sahl, May Allaah Have mercy upon them both, said,
I was three years old when I used to wake up at night to watch the prayer of my uncle Muhammad ibn Siwaar. One day, he said to me, “Should not you remember Allaah The Almighty who created you?” I said, “How should I remember Him?” He replied, “Say in your heart, whenever you are alone at night in your bed rolling from side to side, three times without moving your tongue: Allaah is with me, Allaah is ‎ Looking at me, Allaah is ‎ Watching me.”

I did that and informed my uncle.

“Say the words seven times each night,” he said to me.

I did that and informed him.

“Say them eleven times.” I did that and found sweetness in my heart therefrom. A year passed. Then my uncle said, “Remember what I taught you and continue that practice until you go to the grave. The fruits thereof will be yours in this world and the Hereafter.”

Years passed, and I used the same words until their sweetness penetrated the depths of my heart.

“Sahl,” said my uncle, “As long as Allaah is with you and Sees you, how can you disobey Him? Beware of disobeying Him.”

Through this good instruction, guidance, and continuous training as well as this religious upbringing, Sahl  may  Allaah  have  mercy  upon  him became one of the senior righteous worshippers in the history of Islam.

Finally, dear educator, you must be sure that the child who sees his father lying can never learn truthfulness, and the child who sees his mother cheating his father or his brother, will never be honest. The child, who sees that his mother is heedless, will not learn cooperation or adhere to discipline.

The family is the incubator that sows the early seeds of morals and behavior in the child and shapes his emotions and feelings through the behavior of its members.

 

Every time four-year-old Khaalid goes to the supermarket with his mother, he asks for a box of candy, and his mother refuses right away. However, a few minutes later, he starts insisting on buying candy, and the mother persists in her refusal, saying to him, "No." At the mother's refusal of the child's request for the third time, Khaalid becomes furious, and his request takes on the form of an order, but the mother continues to refuse. On that Khaalid's face turns red, he stamps his feet and shakes the shopping cart. The mother threatens to punish him if he does not stop, but he does not give in. Upon asking for candy for the fifth time and the mother's refusal, Khaalid bursts into anger. The mother looks for a place to hide but she finds herself in the ice-cream section, while he is weeping, shouting, kicking and striking everything around him. Everybody is staring at them, and the mother cannot take it anymore, so she submits to his will and buys him a box of candy.

Both mother and child learn from each other:

Dear educator, both you and your children teach each other something of the affairs of family life every day. The things you and your child learn from each other later determine the way you deal with each other and form the basis of the relationship between children and parents.

From a father who is firm in all situations with his child, the child learns, from each situation, that his father is firm and does not accept half-solutions, and thus, he will deal with him on that basis.

From a father who is lax in all situations with his child, the child learns, from each situation, that his father is lax, and even if he grows angry once, with the first tear that flows down the child's cheek, he will forget everything and forgive all mistakes, and thus, the child will deal with his father on that basis.

Analysis of Khaalid's scene:

When you reflect on the example of Khaalid and his mother, which is almost typical in our society, you find that both the mother and the child learned from each other.

What did the mother teach her child? At first, she was persistent that she would not buy candy. However, after a lot of nagging from Khaalid, she submitted and responded to his request. But (unfortunately) the mother does not know that at the very moment that she lost control over her decisiveness, she taught Khaalid a set of rules which will embitter her throughout her life if she does not change her submissive ways.

What did Khaalid's mother teach her child?

Khaalid's mother taught her child three rules:

• The first rule: The word "No" is of no significance.

The mother's reactions went as follows: No, No, No, No, Yes. What the child learnt here is that when his mother says "No", it does not mean refusal, but it means "Ask again and again, and nag more than once. When your behavior becomes unbearable, I will change my refusal into acceptance." This resembles magic: that refusal turns into acceptance. In this way, the mother taught her child to persist in his negative behavior.

You should know, dear parent, that your children have to know that when you say "No", it means "No" and nothing else. When you say "No" to your children, you indeed want them to stop doing something. The word "No" should not be subject to discussion. However, as a lot of fathers and mothers are susceptible to changing their mind often, the children have learnt to wail, implore and throw a tantrum until they get what they want. When the word is changeable, the child's mind records that, while it is supposed to be placed in the part of the brain that responds without thinking.

According to Dr. Michele Borba, (a pediatrician), parents should not give in if their child resorts to screaming and nagging, or asks for something illogical, or tells you to do something (unacceptable). You should stop the discussion immediately and tell him decisively that by no means would you accept that behavior, and ask him to be polite and set another time for a logical discussion about the demand. When the child realizes that you mean what you say, you will have made a drastic change in behavior.

• The second rule: Good utilization of his moments of anger

Certainly, the mother did not do so intentionally, but this is what actually took place. Khaalid learnt that shouting and nagging give very effective results. If you cry and shout at the top of your voice for a sufficient amount of time, you will have the box of candy. The candy is the prize you get for shouting.

• The third rule: She does not mean what she says

The mother taught her child that she never means what she says. Although she threatens (to punish), she never carries out her threat. She ordered him to keep quiet otherwise she would punish him severely, but what did she do? Instead of punishing him severely, she rewarded him by buying him candy.

 

In the previous article, what did the child teach his mother?

The mother learnt from her child that the means to have peace and quiet, and not to get involved in embarrassing situations is to execute the child's orders: i.e. to buy the box of candy.

Thus, the child has established a new behavioral type, and it is on this basis that the relationship between the mother and child will continue. The behavior of the mother along with the behavior of the child form and outline the nature of their relationship. If the child repeats the same behavior, the mother will repeat the same behavior she has previously done with him.

A fatal error!

This is the way many fathers behave when they face the anger of their children with submission, compliance and, subsequently, reward (the candy). This is because this way teaches the child to increase his display of anger in order to receive the reward.

Additionally, anger is among the blameworthy attributes a man can have. When many sociologists and educationalists regard anger among the despicable vices and blameworthy habits, they mean the blameworthy anger which produces the most negative effects and leads to the most critical consequences — particularly at the time of excitement and anger for personal interests and selfish motives. It is known that this anger disbands unity, breaks up the group, and exterminates the meanings of brotherhood, love, and purity in the community.

Another fatal error is made by fathers when they respond to the child's anger. It is called pampering, which is to be lax in dealing with the child in such a way as to satisfy the child's needs in the very time and manner he likes, and hasten to do all that he demands, no matter how unacceptable it might be. In other words, everyone around him does their best to obey him and be at his disposal, and never refuse any of his demands whatever they may be.

On the other hand, pampering makes the child unable to bear the responsibilities or burdens that are appropriate to his stage of life. This results in the child's slow emotional and social maturity. Such a child cannot easily undertake any matter, nor have the feeling of responsibility, nor appreciate it, nor resist the problems of life, nor confront the states of frustration. He is always vulnerable to psychological disorders when there is an obstacle or a problem standing in his way. More often, he inclines to be dependent on others rather than self-reliant. He also resorts to the method of avoiding, deferring or neglecting risks and problems.

A successful plan to tackle the supermarket battle:

To put an end to the supermarket battle with your child, and eradicate the roots of this problem peacefully, parents should do the following:

• Sit with the child before going to the supermarket.
• Clarify where you would go with him and what you would buy.
• Brief him on the shopping list.
• Ask him about what he would like to buy before going to the supermarket.
• Ask him to include what he would like to buy in the shopping list.
• Ask him to do something helpful and take charge of the shopping list. For example, he may be asked to hold it while shopping and tick the items that have been purchased to take it out of the list.
• Promise the child that if he does his part well, you will buy him the candy he likes, and if he falls short in his task, he will not have any candy.
• Parents should encourage the child by saying to him, "You are doing a good job following the list. Thank you and we appreciate your help. You are a co-operative child.”
• The mother rewards the child for his good behavior with candy.
At this very moment, the child learns three rules:

The first rule: Anger brings about nothing but loss:

That is because if he grows angry or raises his voice, he will get nothing: on the contrary, he will lose the candy because the mother will not surrender to his anger.

The second rule: Good behavior brings rewards:

When the child plays his role successfully and keeps quiet, he will have the candy he wanted.

The third rule: His parents mean what they say:

For example, if the mother threatens to deprive him of candy if he gets angry, the child will find that she is steadfast in implementing her decision.

At that very moment too, the mother will learn the following:

That the optimum means to have peace and quiet, and not to get involved in embarrassing situations is not to execute Khaalid's orders by buying the box of candy, but it is to teach Khaalid how to change his behavior; that punishment is the inevitable outcome of bad behavior, whereas reward is the pleasant outcome of good behavior.

In this way, the mother learns that to hush her child's cries, the solution is neither to surrender to him nor to beat him, in so much as to co-operate with the child to change his behavior.

 

To develop the proper conduct of the child, you should teach him the duties that he has to do, and this takes place by being a role model and by sound upbringing and guidance.

The child will not learn to be truthful except from a truthful educator.

The child will not learn honesty except from an honest educator, and so on.

The father who picks up the phone and does not want to talk to the caller, then gives his child the phone and says to him, "Tell the caller that I am not here," is teaching his child to lie and is a bad example.

Moral upbringing is the spirit of the Islamic upbringing, which does not mean neglecting other aspects. It is necessary to care for all matters related to the child, since he needs physical, mental, spiritual and academic strength. Therefore, we find that the spiritual and worship-related side is inseparable from the moral side.

Morality in the Sunnah (tradition) of the Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention ) did not leave any aspect of human life but has drawn the ideal methodology for the sublime attitude in harmony, integration and structure. The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhsallam, was the peak of morality, and the best way to noble morals is the way of the Messenger of Allaah  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention ) whom Allaah The Almighty Addressed Saying (what means): {And indeed, you are of a great moral character.} [Quran 68:4]

Stages of the child's moral development:

Man's moral development begins from the early stages of his life and will continue until the age of maturity, which is the basis of religious assignment and bearing responsibility. Man is born with a natural inclination to goodness, and the environment plays its effective role in shaping this natural inclination according to its readiness and inherited capabilities. Righteous upbringing helps it grow soundly and form perfectly, whereas corrupt upbringing erases the features of goodness in it and makes it tend to corruption and evil.

It was narrated on the authority of Abu Hurayrah  may  Allaah  be  pleased  with  him that the Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention ) said: "Every human being is born with a sound innate inclination to the truth (i.e. Islam), yet it is his parents who convert him to Judaism, Christianity or Magianism." [Al-Bukhaari and Muslim]

Moral development can be divided into three stages in line with dividing growth into three stages: the stage of early childhood, the stage of middle and late childhood and the stage of adulthood and adolescence.

The first stage of moral development:

The process of moral development begins in the first stage of man's life during his early childhood, and at this stage the child's instincts, needs and inclinations control him. These things need to be satisfied to help him lead a stable and happy life, and any deficiency in them, or severe and harsh treatment may lead to disorders in the child's psychological, mental, emotional and physical health. Parents at this stage should not give the child any moral responsibility for his actions, attitudes, patterns of behavior, emotions and reactions, because he is incapable of distinguishing, understanding and making sound judgments. They should treat him with mercy, kindness, gentleness and tolerance.

This is what our noble Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention ) instructed us to do. He did not give children any responsibility for their wrong actions and inappropriate behavior according to the moral judgments of adults. Rather, he treated them with mercy, kindness and compassion, taking into account their powerless childhood, while being aware that they are not responsible for their actions and behavior because they have not yet attained the age of distinction and discernment. Abu Qataadah  may  Allaah  be  pleased  with  him said, "The Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention )came out while Umaamah bint Abu Al-‘Aas was on his shoulder. Whenever he bowed, he would put her down, and when he stood, he would lift her." [Al-Bukhaari] This Hadeeth (narration) shows the mercy of the Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention ) his gentleness with his granddaughter and not holding her accountable for what she was unaware of, i.e., riding on his shoulders during prayer, which is the most sacred act of worship.

The second stage of moral development:

In the second stage of man's life, i.e. the stage of middle and late childhood, the child's social relationships and contact with others in the neighborhood, school and social relationships expand. He needs to adapt well to the situations and new attitudes in his life, and he begins to distinguish between the acts and behavior that others approve or disapprove of. The child's happiness is associated with the satisfaction of others with him, and his pain and misery are associated with their anger at him. This constitutes the correct start of forming good conduct.

This positive moral development motivates the child to permanently create a balance between his wishes and the desires of others, and between his trends and religious and moral values; social customs, habits and traditions; and rules and laws. In that way, the features of the child's moral responsibility emerge until they culminate in the third stage of moral development as his mental and emotional maturity is complete. At this stage, we should care for the child's natural tendency to imitate, emulate and follow others because it is one of the most important foundations of the moral upbringing, the acquisition of values and virtues and the development of inclination to goodness.

The purified Sunnah of the Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention ) highlighted this aspect and stressed the necessity for it to be considered wisely by parents, people assuming the upbringing process and all those responsible for the education and upbringing of youngsters. It urged them to be ideal role models in proper conduct, noble behavior, self-restraint, self-esteem and adopting good qualities and virtues.

The third stage of moral development:

At this stage, which is the stage of puberty and adolescence, moral development begins to take root and be firm. It culminates as mental, psychological and social maturity is completed. After that, man is able to control his inclinations and motives, and subject himself to the sublime ideals that he instilled and implanted within himself and made it a criterion for his moral and behavioral actions. He committed himself to them, regardless of the presence of an external authority represented in the laws, regimes, customs, habits, and traditions as well as the presence of social control.

 

Importance of a role model in building morals:

Dear person who assumes the upbringing process, Anas ibn Maalik  may  Allaah  be  pleased  with  him who lived with the best role model in terms of morality, narrated how he had experienced this in the character of the beloved Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention ).

Anas  may  Allaah  be  pleased  with  him said,

• "I have never touched silk softer than the palm of the Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention ) nor have I smelt musk or amber that is sweeter than the smell of the Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention ).” [Al-Bukhaari]

• "The Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention ) was the best of all people in terms of morals. I had a brother called Abu ‘Umayr, who, I think, had been newly weaned. Whenever the Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention ) came, he used to say to him: ‘O Abu ‘Umayr! What did An-Nughayr (nightingale small bird) do?’ My brother was playing with this small bird. It happened that the time of prayer was due while the Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention ) was in our home, and he would order for the mat he was sitting on to be swept and cleaned, then he would lead us in prayer.” [Al-Bukhaari]

• "I served him for nine years; by Allaah, he never said to me about a thing which I had done why I did that or about a thing that I had left as to why I had not done that." [Muslim]

• "The Messenger of Allaah  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention ) had the best disposition among people. He sent me on an errand one day, and I said, 'By Allaah, I will not go.' I had, however, this idea in my mind that I would do as the Messenger of Allaah  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention ) had commanded me. I went out until I happened to come across children who were playing in the street. Then, the Messenger of Allaah  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention ) came there and he caught me by the back of my neck from behind me. As I looked at him I found him laughing, and he said: 'O Unays, did you go where I commanded you to go?' I said, 'O Messenger of Allaah, yes, I am going.'" [Muslim]

• "A slave-girl of Al-Madeenah would take hold of the hand of the Prophet sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention ) and take him wherever she desired (to fulfill a need for her)." [Muslim]

Dear parent, and anyone who assumes the responsibility of the upbringing process, here is a set of the most important morals that we must implant in our children:

• Politeness with parents
• Manners of respect and reverence
• Manners of brotherhood
• Manners of respecting teachers
• Manners with neighbors
• Manners of seeking permission
• Manners of talking and extending Salaam
• Manners of appearance
• Manners of walking and sitting
• Manners of food and drink
• Manners of listening attentively during Quran recitation
• Modesty
• Truthfulness and avoiding lying
• Honesty and avoiding treason
• Keeping secrets
• Forgiveness and humbleness

However, there is an important question left: What is the best way to instill morality in the child? And, how should we hold our children accountable or reward them for it?

Imaam Al-Ghazaali  may  Allaah  have  mercy  upon  him said,

“Religious morals will not be instilled in the soul except when the person gets used to all good habits, leaves all bad acts, regularly practices and enjoys doing good acts, and hates and feels pain concerning bad acts. Good morals are acquired by getting accustomed to good acts and watching and accompanying those who do good acts – those people are the companions of goodness and the brothers of righteousness.

Dispositions copy from each other, and good and evil are equal in this respect. Children are, in principle, disciplined by keeping them away from evil friends. Every human being is born with a sound innate disposition, and his morals are refined by regular observation and upbringing. The boy should be honored and rewarded with something that he loves and be praised in front of people whenever he shows good manners and does a commendable act. If he violates the proper conduct once, he should be overlooked; if he repeats it, he should be blamed secretly without over-reprimanding him every now and then. This actually makes blame insignificant in his heart. It is preferable that the father maintains his solemnity above blaming him, whereas the mother intimidates him by the father.”

Finally, a gradual approach in upbringing, training and guidance is necessary for the child to acquire a quality or a skill and to implant a belief or a manner. Moral qualities and doctrinal principles resemble physical skills in as much that they need to be acquired gradually and practiced repeatedly. By doing so, man acquires, masters and performs them easily without much effort or difficulty.

It is like the man who learns to drive a car or play some kind of sport; he learns it step by step, and by repeating it, it becomes easy after it had been difficult and arduous. Frequent repetition helps the person to master and perform it perfectly and efficiently with ease in its performance and with minimal effort. Acquisition of morality is like sport that needs striving to force oneself to the work that a certain manner requires. A man who wants to acquire the manner of generosity and giving, has to oblige himself to give away, particularly money, to others. When a person continually forces himself to give even against his will and he finds it difficult, his soul will become used to giving and will do it easily. With the passage of time and repetition, giving becomes a quality in the person, and he will be generous.

 

Allaah The Almighty has made our parents the means of giving us life and made them the source of providing us with unparalleled love and a sound upbringing. However, when we grow up, we tend to forget the period of our infancy and childhood and disregard their efforts. What ingratitude can be worse than this?

The very least we can do for our parents is to show goodness and kind treatment towards them while they are alive, and supplicate for them, offer charity and other righteous deeds on their behalf after their death.
Allaah The Almighty mentions the virtues of being good to one’s parents in conjunction with worshipping Him alone when He Says (what means):{“And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And that you are dutiful to your parents. If one of them or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of disrespect, nor shout at them but address them in terms of honour.And lower unto them the wing of submission and humility through mercy, and say: `My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy as they did bring me up when I was young.'"}[Quran, 17: 23-24].
The Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention ) classified being undutiful to parents as one of the great major sins and mentioned it along with associating partners with Allaah The Almighty in His worship. He  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention ) said: "Shall I not inform you about the most grievous of the grave sins?" His Companions replied, "Indeed, O Messenger of Allaah!" He  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention ) said: "Associating anything with Allaah (in worship), and being undutiful to parents, (he was reclining at that time, then he sat up and said): (beware of) false testimony or false utterance." He repeated it so many times that his Companions wished that he would become silent. [Al-Bukhaari and Muslim].
A man came to the Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention ) and asked, "Which of the people is most deserving of my good companionship?" He  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention ) replied: “It is your mother.” The man asked, "Who is next?" He  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention ) replied: “It is your mother.” The man then asked, "Who is next?" He  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention ) replied: “It is your mother.” Then the man asked, "Who is next?" The Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention ) replied:“It is your father.” [Al-Bukhaari].
Abu Hurayrah  may  Allaah  be  pleased  with  him narrated that the Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention ) said: "Let him be humiliated! Let him be humiliated! Let him be humiliated!" It was asked,"Who, O Messenger of Allaah?" He  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention ) replied: “He whose parents reach old age, either one or both of them, and who does not enter Paradise (due to not being dutiful to them).” [Muslim]
Dutifulness to parents is one of the reasons behind the forgiveness of sins. Ibn ‘Umar  may  Allaah  be  pleased  with  them both, said that a man came to the Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention ) and said, "I have committed a great sin, can I repent from it?" The Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention ) asked:“Is your mother alive?” and in another narration he asked: “Are you parents alive?” The man replied, "No" so the Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention ) asked: “Do you have a maternal aunt?” The man replied, "Yes" Thereupon, the Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention ) said: “Then be dutiful to her.” [At-Tirmithi].
‘Ali ibn Abi Taalib  may  Allaah  be  pleased  with  him said, "If there was anything less than this expression (i.e., saying 'Uff' to one's parents) as a form of being undutiful, Allaah would have forbidden that expression." Allaah The Almighty also mentions gratefulness to Him along with being grateful to one’s parents when He says (what means): “Give thanks to Me and to your parents. Unto Me is the final destination.”[Quran, 31: 14]
These narrations inspire you to be dutiful to your parents and respect and glorify them. Do not be negligent of the saying of the Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention )“The pleasure of the Lord is in pleasing your parents, and the wrath of the Lord (upon the child) is if he makes them angry.” [At-Tabaraani].
 
Father: I told you to clean your room.‎ 
 
Child: But I don't know how to do that! 
 
Father: I said clean the room! Don't you understand? Does ‎this need any explanation? ‎You are old enough and you ‎can do this by yourself. If you clean your room, I will buy you ‎whatever you ‎like. ‎ 
 
Child: ‎Really, Dad? ‎ 
 
Father: ‎Yes, my dear boy. ‎However, if you don't do so, the consequences will be ‎bad.‎ 
 
After cleaning the room…
 
 
Child: Dad! I cleaned my room.‎ 
 
Father: ‎Do you call this cleaning? 
 
Child: ‎I did my best, Dad. 
 
Father: ‎Why didn't you clean under the bed? ‎Remove the dust from the glass? Arrange the clothes?  
 
Child: I forgot to do that, but I will do it now.
 
After cleaning the room again…
 
Child: I have cleaned everything! 
 
Father: Good! Well done!  
 
Child: I deserve the prize now, right? 
 
Father: Yes, you deserve it! 
 
Child: You told me that you will buy me whatever I want. 
 
Father: Yes, I did say that. What would you like me to buy you?” 
 
Child: I want you to buy me a motorcycle! 
 
 Father: What, a motorcycle?! That is too expensive, and I can't buy it now. 
 
Child: But you said that you would buy me whatever I wanted. 
 
Father: But you should ask for something reasonable. 
 
Child: But I want a motorcycle and nothing else. 
 
Father: I don't like those who talk and argue too much, you have to ask for something reasonable or I will buy you nothing. 
 
Child (weeping): But I love motorcycles! 
 
The child then returns to his room that he has just cleaned feeling remorse for every second he had spent in cleaning it. At the same time, he has lost confidence in his father’s repeated illusionary promises that he never fulfills. He closes the door and falls asleep. 
 
Dear educator, be precise, logical and motivating. In the light of the previous story, let us ask the following questions: 
 
Was the father precise and logical in his request? Did he succeed in motivating his child?  
 
Dear parent, let us answer the following three questions: 
 
First: Was the father precise (in his orders and requests)? 
 
Why do parents always think badly of their children if they refuse to respond to their orders or if they respond wrongly? Why do we immediately accuse the child of negligence? 
 
In fact, we should accuse ourselves in many cases and inquire,“Were we precise in our demands from the child?” 
 
Was it sufficient for the father to ask his child to clean his room? Is this request sufficient or does it need some clarification? 

 

The reward that the child will receive when he obeys his parents represents the real incentive that makes him feel confident and strong. Therefore, the parents who are not specific with their children when they give them orders unintentionally lead their children to failure.
 
For example, the father could have explained his request to his child from the beginning in the following way:
 
·         Use the broom when cleaning the floor
 
·         Arrange the clothes and put them in their place 
 
·         Remove the dust from the glass and furniture
 
Putting it this way helps the child to know what is exactly required of him easily. In such a case, if the child does something wrong, then he, rather than you, would be the negligent party.
 
Specification and clarity is required ‎in motivation:You should not tell your child that you would buy him whatever he wants if he does such-and-such. That is because the child has an intrinsic powerful imagination and there is no limit to his demands. Therefore, if you are not specific and do not respond to your child’s requests, he will be disappointed and will lose confidence in his father’s promises and incentives. On the contrary, such motivation will turn in the future into frustration.
 
This explains what happened in our story. The child asked for a motorcycle, and the father could not fulfill this difficult request and the result was disappointment and frustration. 
 
The father has to be specific even in motivating his child. For example, he could motivate him by saying, “If you clean your room, I will allow you to watch a cartoon.” 
 
Likewise, the parents should be specific in punishment. Therefore, it is unfavorable to tell the child, “If you do not do such-and-such, the consequences will be bad.” 
 
The punishment should be specific. For example, one should say to his child, “If you do not do such-and-such, you will not have any pocket money, or you will not play video games, watch a cartoon movie, and so on.”
 
 
The father should choose the most effective (not severe) punishment, because unspecified punishments encourage the child to be careless as long as he does not feel its effect on him.
 
However, the best thing that you can do to be specific in your demands from your child is to arrange your room in his presence. In other words, you should be an example to your child just as the Prophet,  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention ), was the best example to his Companions. The Prophet,  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention ), was the perfect example of the educator that people follow. He used to be ahead of his Companions guiding them in wars, and encouraging them to spend in the cause of Allaah The Almighty. He was also ahead of them when they were digging the trench and he endured hardships and treated his wives well.
 
My dear educator, you should know that giving a clear message is considered one of the key introductions to good education. Parents should tell their children exactly what they want them to do, and how they want them to do it. They should also determine when their children act properly or improperly.
 
Second: Was the father logical in his demands and the expected results?
 
Many parents ask their children to do things that exceed their ability or age. Therefore, they ‎are in fact leading them to failure, especially when they ‎expect excellent results. An example of this is when a parent asks his three-year-old child to wash the dishes or clean the room. 
 
On the other hand, many parents degrade their children’s ‎‎abilities and ask them to do what they cannot accept, ‎‎because they can actually do more due to their age and mature ‎‎mind. For example, when the mother asks her ten-year-old child to sit so that she can study every single word with him, she is in fact asking her child to do something that he cannot bear. That is because this implies an offence and accusation of ignorance. However, the mother expects excellent scores at the end of the year, while she has made her child completely dependent upon her.
 
The parent should be logical in what he asks his child to do and the results he expects. This requires taking two things into consideration:
 
1-      The child’s capabilities including his age, strength, intelligence, vitality and self-confidence 
 
2-      The nature of the request itself 
 
Then, the parent should compare the child’s capabilities and the capabilities that are required for responding to his request after avoiding and treating the physical and the psychological problems.
 
The parent should understand the Quranic verses in which Allaah The Almighty Says (what means): 
 
·         {Allaah does not charge a soul except [with that within] its capacity.}[Quran 2:286] 

 

·         {Allaah does not charge a soul except [according to] what He has given it.}[Quran 65:7]
 
By understanding these verses, parents can successfully compare results and judge whether or not they comply with their expectations of the child. 
Third: Was the father motivating?  
This point is very important because the human soul likes praise, and treating disobedience through encouragement is one of the most important educational methods. The effects of this encouragement upon the child include generating consciousness of success in the work for which he has been rewarded. Of course, this satisfies the child’s motivations and activates his learning habits in the future. The result would be strengthening the child’s confidence and encouraging him to be more adventurous, creative and determined.
 
This method is very important in encouraging children, however, the following issues should be observed: 
 
·         This should not be the only method, namely, the parents should not use this method in cases when they see that there is a necessity for punishment. There should be a balance between reward and punishment.
 
·         Motivation should be specific and precise, as we have mentioned. 
 
·         Parents should fulfill their motivational promises under all circumstances.
 
·         Parents must implement their warnings if the child did not keep his promise. 
 
·         The motivation should not be exaggerated.
 
·         Motivation should be using something loved and desired by the child.
 
Dear parent, you can also use some words to praise your child ‎when he obeys you such as “I like the way you handled this”“I know you well ‎and I am sure that you will behave ‎properly,” or “I think you can do it”.
 
Finally, dear father and mother do not forget when you ask your child to arrange his room, for example, you should be specific and explain things to him. Do not ask your child to do anything that exceeds his abilities. Likewise, be specific in motivating your child. 
 

Cultivation in Islam is very important, for indeed all of the religion is based upon upbringing. It starts first of all with of our own selves, then of our families, and then of the community at large. But this cultivation is most important with respect to our children, so that they are brought up upon the correct path of Islam.

Having children is a blessing from Allaah, therefore, it is obligatory for the parents to take care of their children as the responsibility for them is upon their shoulders. As the Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention ) said: “All of you are shepherds and are responsible for your flock…” [Al-Bukhaari]

The Quran and the Sunnah of the Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention ) encourage us to bring up our children correctly; ordering us with righteousness and good conduct ourselves as well as ordering us to prevent our families from falling into that which would result in their own destruction. Allaah Says (which means): “O you who believe! Ward off from yourselves and your families a Fire (Hell) whose fuel is men and stones…” [Quran; 66:6]

What follows are some practical steps towards establishing the correct cultivation of children.

Seeking righteous children:

When an individual wants to get married, they should have the intention to have righteous children and supplicate Allaah to this effect. They should seek their children with the intention to increase the number of the Prophet’s nation, and to get Allaah’s reward in this life and the Hereafter. The Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention ) said: “Marry those women who are loving and fertile; for verily I want to be amongst those Prophets who have the most followers on the Day of Judgment.”  [Ahmad and Al-Bayhaqi]

If one has the correct intention at the beginning of the action, then he will have its correct fruits at the end.

 

Setting a Good Example:

The parents should set the best example for their children. They should hasten to do that which is good and, likewise, hasten to abandon all that is evil. Children follow the example of their parents, and they love, respect and admire them. The parents are, therefore, the first and most lasting of examples for their children.

Putting emphasis on Religion:

Parents should consider Islam the most important affair in their life. They should raise their child to know that the most important aspect of life is being upright in religion, clinging to it firmly. Allaah Says (what means):“And this (submission to Allaah, Islam) was enjoined by Ibraaheem upon his sons and by Ya’qoob, (saying), ‘O my sons! Allaah has chosen for you the (true) religion, then die not except in the faith of Islam.” [Quran; 2:132]

Parents should supplicate Allaah to guide their children and keep them upright. Allaah Says that the believers say (what means): “Our Lord! Bestow on us from our own wives and our offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and make us leaders for the Mmuttaqoon (i.e. pious and righteous persons).” [Quran; 25:74]

Besides supplicating Allaah, parents should also take the necessary steps in bringing up their children upon this religion.

Showing Love and Kindness towards Children:

The parent should treat his children with love and kindness, and should not always use harshness. However, if the situation requires harshness, and even hitting, then he should do so, as and when the situation requires it, but he should not make this his way (i.e. that he is always hard and harsh towards his children). We should not be like those people who are always hard upon their children as this may lead them towards further corruption and going astray.

On the other hand, we should not be like those who leave their children without any discipline so that they follow whatever way they like and do whatever they want.

Teaching Good Character:

The parent should aim to raise his children upon good character from a young age. He should teach them the Quran, the history of the Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention ) and that of the companions  may  Allaah  be  pleased  with  them as well. One should not leave his children to continue making mistakes saying that he will correct them when they get older, because indeed it becomes increasingly more difficult to correct a person when he has grown up adopting incorrect actions and bad characteristics. As a poet once said: “Whoever grows up upon something, he grows old upon that same thing.”

The Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention ) used to train and bring up the children from a young age upon good manners and character. As can be seen in the Hadeeth of Al-Hasan  may  Allaah  be  pleased  with  him in which he narrates how he once took a date from the dates of charity, and the Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention ) stopped him and told him to take the date out of his mouth. The Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention ) explained to him that the dates were for charity, and that charity was not allowed for the Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention ) or his family.

The Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention ) did not leave Al-Hasan  may  Allaah  be  pleased  with  him without instructing him; rather, he  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention ) stopped him from continuing in what he was doing and explained to him the correct way, in kindness and wisdom.

Being Just with Children:

The parent should neither oppress nor wrong any of his children. He should not show one of his children due favor more so than the others, by giving him more or praising him more than any of the others. Indeed this type of favoritism can be a reason for the children swaying from the correct path and developing personal problems later on in life.

Spending upon One’s Children:

The parents should be generous and spend on their children. They should take the necessary steps to earn lawful money and spend on their children in a manner that is correct. Indeed, anything that one spends on his family with the correct intention will be rewarded. The Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention )said: “Two Deenaars (golden currency) which you spend by way of charity, or two Deenaars which you give to the poor, or the two Deenaars which you give to your family-indeed the greatest of these as regards reward is that Deenaar which you spend upon your family.” [Muslim]

In conclusion, everyone should take care of his family, for if everyone in the society was to take care of the upbringing of their families and take care of their financial needs, then this would prove good and beneficial for the society as a whole. And if everyone were to leave the affairs of their families and their children, then this would lead to the corruption of the society, and poverty would be widespread.

 

 

When we want to teach our kids Tawheed (i.e. Islamic monotheism) should we have to read classical texts and books in this regard?

No, this is not needed in the early stages of their lives because this requires long hours of attentiveness and hard work, which is difficult for children.

Later in life, one can do so when their level of comprehension allows them to grasp what is being read and said to them. Initially, one can convey what he wants in the form of relating stories of the companions of the Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention ) who gave precedence to their faith and to worshipping Allaah over living in their homelands and amongst their families and tribes, and highlight that this was because the companions  may  Allaah  be  pleased  with  them realized that the reason why Allaah created us was for the sole purpose of worshipping Him.

 

One may resort to other means of teaching them, such as:

Utilizing Quranic study circles:

In such a case the parent may stop at certain verses which address a specific aspect of Tawheed and explain it. An example for this is the verses addressing the story of Prophet ‘Eesaa  may  Allaah  exalt  his  mention and that he was not crucified as the Christians claim, but the parent must choose simple phrases that are within the level of the child’s understanding and comprehension.

Relating stories of the Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allaah exalt his mention ) and his companions  may  Allaah  be  pleased  with  them and other heroes in Islam:

Children like hearing stories, and thus the parents should take advantage of this interest in them. One should not simply relate the story without highlighting certain matters and emphasizing on the lessons one can extract from these stories.

Commenting on some events:

One can remind the children with the massacre that took place to the Muslims in Bosnia and the atrocities that are currently taking place to the Muslims in Palestine, Iraq and other places and make it clear for them that their suffering is because of their faith and because they are Muslims. This will make the child sympathize with his fellow Muslims.

Exploiting certain situations:

When the child is ill, the parent can instill in him the principle that Allaah Alone is the One Who can cure and that medicine is but a means and that it is Allaah Who made it a cause to cure. Clarify that Allaah is The Only One who can benefit or cause harm, and He is the only One to seek refuge in to lift any harm. Parents should exploit all other situations to instill different principles of Tawheed.

Setting a good example:

A parent could be a means to instill certain values and basics of Tawheed through his or her conduct and actions. For example, a parent may praise a person in front of his children only because he is a righteous one or a one who fights Jihaad. Likewise, a parent may dispraise another person because he is a disbeliever.

This clarifies to the children one of the principles of faith, and that is love and hatred are both done for the sake of Allaah and not because so and so person deprived us form a job or money that we wanted. Parents should be careful in front of their children lest the children adopt a bad habit, because it is the parents who have the most effective influence on the children.

Correcting wrong concepts or words:

During the child’s daily activities, they may utter or do something Islamically wrong or contradicting to Tawheed and it is the role of the parents to correct them. The child may swear by other than Allaah, and it becomes mandatory upon the parents to clarify that this is a form of disbelief and associating with Allaah, and so forth.

A child may hear at school that Santa is a nice man who brings gifts and nice things, then the parents must explain that this Santa is a symbol for non-Muslims (namely the Christians) and that he is nothing but a myth made up by them, and that the only One Who Has the power to benefit or cause harm is Allaah Alone.

Likewise, if the child sees on TV that a certain character controls the wind or the rain, the parents must make it clear that this is association with Allaah and that these are qualities that are exclusive to Allaah.

 

These were some suggestions of simple and important means and methods through which parents can clarify aspects and principles of Tawheed to their children.